Today was Lachlan’s big review meeting and I fell apart in the middle of it!
I was sitting there and it was such a positive meeting everyone was saying how well Lachlan is doing and how far he has come in the last year both of which are true, then I just went to bits………
I wanted to scream at everyone “is this as good as it gets?”
Somedays I feel trapped in a living hell!
Lachlan swings from my curtains like a professionally trained trapeze artist, does headstands on top of furniture, he thinks the dogs bowl is; in his woods “a paddling pool”, climbs constantly, has opened the oven door, shouts splash at the pot of boiling potatoes cooking on the hob, has chewed through several power cables and flushed goodness knows all what down the loo!! (toilet)
Take your eye of the ball for a nano second and I guarantee Lachlan will no longer be engaged in the activity you left him at. His current favourite is the dogs bowl!
The door goes, the phone rings, you need the loo, on return all hell has broken loose!
I always make sure Lachlan is never in any danger, we are all very aware, but it is exhausting, I don’t even switch off in my sleep, the other night my older son got up to use the loo, I heard water and flew out of bed panicking Lachlan was puddling in the bathroom, this is at 4.00am! Lachlan was of course sound asleep at the foot of our bed oblivious to the fuss. Poor Hamish got the fright of his life!
I need a break, I am done in, I guess I need to fall apart, I have been strong too long, I need to let it all out……
I am so angry with myself…..
I should have seen it coming, I have been listening to Guns and Roses November Rain, Let it be by the Beatles and lots of P!nk up loud in the last few weeks, my music therapy you could say, a warning that I am struggling though.
The worst bit is I fear I have hurt a few of the wonderful allies who fear they have upset me.
It is so hard to explain the roller coaster I am trapped on, I truly celebrate every little step Lachlan takes with heartfelt joy, I tell anyone who will listen how amazing my boy is but then the frustration grows in me it builds and knawes away, little things that fill me with joy will then break my heart all in one go,
The day I taught my little nephew to ride his bike without stabilizers, I was so proud in that moment I couldn’t have been prouder of that wee lad, but then it hit me, I might never teach Lachlan to ride a bike….
The conversations I have with my nephews when they want to tell aunty Vicki something, I am delighted they want to tell me, then later on I wonder will Lachlan ever tell me about his day in the same way?
It hurts. No matter how had I try to not let it, It really does hurt.
It is the constant immense pressure I feel under to keep pushing Lachlan on, all the changes, if Lachlan is doing so well and is happy can’t we just stand still for a little while? Enjoy the moment? Just breathe.
Lachlan is just a little boy, my little boy.
Today it all just got too much, my guard slipped.